Dried-Up Pea/Serial Foot Impaler (Finally) Gets Life in Garbage

Dried-up pea and serial foot impaler is guilty of multiple offenses in the last 10 months. Photo taken of pea before being put in the garbage.

A dried-up pea from your toddler's meal from 10 months ago has been wreaking havoc on your floor.

“I didn’t get eaten - what else you want me to do?” says Dried-Up Pea from the confines of the garbage bin. “Without purpose and without a mouth to feed, this is my life. You made me who I am.”

After months of pain and suffering, feet are finally breathing a sigh of relief, wriggling their toes to a life free of fear.

“I mean, it was scary out there for a while. You didn’t know when or how, you just had to keep walking,” says one foot, who would like to remain anonymous. “It got me good one time. I cried out in what felt like hours of pain but it was really 5 seconds. So traumatic.”

Most of the crimes were committed on and around the rug in the living room. It is thought that the pea acted on its own without any other accomplices. Similar crimes often took place on the stairs and in the playroom, but those are thought to be non-vegetable related. The incidents were often at night when everyone is sleeping, which resulted in an uptick of 50% more curse words said in the last 10 months to express torturous pain associated with getting one's foot impaled.

Dried-up pea doing surprisingly well under the circumstances of the life-long sentence. Pea is seen here with another offender, Wrinkled-Up Confetti, known for sticking to feet. Feet-related incidents have increased 100% in 2020 and 2021.

“Oh yeah, this one time I got a foot real good and I heard ‘Son of a monkey’s ass—-e on a cone’,” said the dried up pea as they laughed uproariously. “I mean that was just creative. One time the person just screamed in horror for 5 seconds. I mean, yeah, I really hit ‘em where it hurts.”

No other suspects are being considered at this time for similar crimes though there is increased patrol for the stairs and playroom. Plans to prevent future foot impaling are currently taking place and include non-pea related meals anywhere.

“I am so glad,” said the anonymous foot named Jerry. “I can finally walk around the house in peace.”

Since the publication of this article we realize that the anonymity of Jerry the Foot has been compromised. We regret the error but we aren’t changing anything because Jerry is a foot.